May 3, 2008

Perfection and Disintegration, Revisited

Another repost today, perhaps the final for a while. This was from 7/10/07, right before a much needed vacation, nearing the end of a near mental meltdown. My mind felt totally fractured. I am not revisiting this in order to torture myself, but I have felt a little bit the same in the last two weeks, so I am reminding myself to hold on. I had promised myself that I would try my hardest not to have a breakdown like the one I had last summer, so this is putting things in perspective for me:
"Disintegration of the Persistence of Memory" by Salvador Dali

Can you stand another random sounding post linking the ocean and nature, surrealism and vague references to unnamed happenings in my life? If not, go ahead and click away from here. I know that there are a few of you who drop in to read the blog every so often. Those of you who do are probably either my real life or online friends, so this bizarre activity may not surprise you. I must warn that I do not usually drink and blog, so forgive this rambling, tipsy foray into my psyche.

I am still stuck thinking about Dali, and remembering the things I used to know. And I am thinking about his fascination with spirals and energy, and disintegration. This painting above is in my head today. I know it means many things to many people, and I also know that it has something to do with nuclear energy and weaponry. So it seems to have sort of violent imagery, but to me the disintegration paintings of Dali are slow motion examinations of the very molecules of matter.

This painting represents the contents of my mind at the moment. My mental landscape, once made up of tidy, perfectly organized items in seemingly perfect perspective, has been deconstructed. This is not necessarily a bad thing...not so much a slip into madness. This dream state is more of a slow motion dissection of thoughts and plans. Things that seemed solid and stable are now dissipating down to basic elements, and I while I was at first frightened by the unexpected explosion, I am now a calm observer of the spiralling and disintegrating elements. Thoughts are stripped to the core, and all the excess parts are floating around, able to be examined in full detail from all angles.

Sometimes I think things need to fall apart in order for one to really examine them closely, to understand them in more depth. This is my state of mind, once perfect things swirling around in my brain, being exposed for all that they really are, not what I perceived them to be. How's that for philosophical?

"Have no fear of perfection -- you'll never reach it." Salvador Dali

"Soft Watch at the Moment of First Explosion" by Salvador Dali

4 comments:

  1. Hi Melanie

    Its been a while since I've had time to read yours (or anyones) blogs, I've been flat out busy and I'm saddened that you're feeling under so much pressure.

    You need to cut back, at least for a little while. Really LOOK at everything you do and decide whats absolutely essential (for instance could the ABS girls do without you for a month or two? Could you cut your magazine submissions by a third? etc) because it sounds like you're in a really dangerous position right now.

    I know it probably sounds fairly cliched, but I speaketh from experience. Im bipolar. I've spent years periodically struggling with what you're describing and when I hit a patch like that, the only sensible thing to do is cull the non-essential stresses and seek help from friends and family. And try and engage in relaxing activities without guilt.

    I hope you're able to improve.
    Stephie

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  2. Stephie,
    Thanks for the advice. Gosh I didnt' realize how pressurey I sounded. At the time of the original post, things were really bad, but not so bad now. Just needed the reminder.

    And actually, I did just this past week cut back on all unessentials to get through this next month and a half, including magazine submissions and ABS. You are very perceptive! I shut a lot of my mail off and groups so the quietude is helping.

    thanks for your comment and your wisdom.

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  3. You sound fairly pressurey but more, given that you HAVE been to the stage of total breakdown before, dealing with it early is good (its a lot to take steps to prevent it than when you start to feel the possibility of spiralling down than it is to pick up the pieces afterwards :-) Again, experience and all that.

    I'm pleased you got there first though!

    Take care
    Stehie

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  4. Thanks, yes I do feel like i took charge early and have a handle on things. I promised myself last year I wouldn't feel like that again if I could avoid it.

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